A Dean's Parental Insight: Helping Shape the First Semester for Your New Hokie!

As both the Dean of Students at Virginia Tech and a parent of two college-aged children myself, I share in the excitement, anxiety, and pride you feel at this transformative moment. Today, I'd like to offer some consolidated insights on how to best support your student during their first semester. This list comes from many years of experience working with university students and a bit of advice from parent to parent.

Now that you are back at home from dropping off your new student, spend a few minutes reflecting on the amazing job you have done up to this point. Seriously, take a moment to think about the dedication, the commitment, and the sacrifices you endured to achieve this moment in time. While I do not expect all these items to be a sequence, I believe we do the very best we can as parents each and every day! Here are some thoughts to ponder now that you have one less person in your home.

Empower Independence

I know you have heard this for years, but now is the time to begin to think about how best to support your new university student who is seeking independence or completely dreading it. Ask yourself: Can you avoid the helicopter syndrome? Over-assistance can inadvertently send the message that your student is not equipped to face challenges. Instead, let them handle situations and learn from their experiences. I always like to say, “Fight the urge to fix.” Your student knows exactly what to say to get the response they are seeking. They also know exactly how to push our buttons to get a certain reaction from you.

Encourage Resourcefulness and Resilience

Virginia Tech offers an enormous array of resources to help your student be successful – from academic to health services, residential well-being, and crisis support. Begin the process of teaching and encouraging your student to access and utilize our services when needed. Keep in mind that life at Virginia Tech will present challenges, both big and small. Whether it's misplacing their Hokie Passport or facing academic struggles, these are opportunities for our students to develop resilience.

Set Clear Boundaries

I know you already started these conversations, and they may be tired of hearing your “lectures” or your “boomer mentality”; however, start or renew your conversations about expectations regarding grades, campus activities/connections, and financial boundaries. It's essential that both you and your student are on the same page or at least reading the same book.

Address the Important Issues

Well-being is paramount. Always keep an eye out for signs of distress, and don't hesitate to seek help if necessary. Student Affairs created an innovative residential model that promotes well-being, student success, and inclusion — transforming on-campus living and making higher education a catalyst for cultural change. Here is more information on how your students are already signed up for our residential well-being program.

Rebalance Your Relationship

Have you created a communication balance? As we often tell our children, it's about finding the Goldilocks zone — not too much, not too little, but just right. Allow them the freedom to grow but be there when they reach out. I will admit that I am still using an app called Life360. It gives me the peace of mind to know where they are, but not enough information to step on their toes. Find the balance that works for you and your student.

Are they ready for the new growth that started the moment you said goodbye? There will be fluctuations between their desire for adulthood or independence and the need to be your “baby” again. There may be changes in their mood and communication patterns. The thing to remember is that it is part of their process - and to an extent, your process - of finding their identity in a new environment.

Remember your role: You remain a significant part of their life and the reason they are here to begin with. We remain an essential source of emotional support for our children. Keep the channels of communication open, just as if they were still home, with knowledge of distance and wanting to give as much independence as possible.

And for Us, Parents...

Acknowledge your feelings: It's a significant transition for us too. Embrace those feelings, but remember to maintain a balance for your student’s sake. I am the parent who attended every single band practice and football game, every single dance rehearsal and performance. We are their cheerleaders and supporters – and sometimes just their personal ATM!

Now may be the time to rediscover yourself: This is also a time for self-reflection and reengaging with passions that might have taken a backseat. Much focus for the last 18 years has been their interests, their engagements, and their opportunities for success. Maybe it is time to finally put yourself at the front of the line for attention and self-care!

A Note from A Fellow Hokie

Remember the joys of unexpected care packages or the routine of weekly calls. The power of small gestures can mean the world to your student. I remember using the hall phone to call my parents and let the phone ring once – to signal I was back at college safe and sound. We may want to voice chat reminding them to reach out – or maybe they're calling us several times a day! Keep in mind that they too need the connection and reassurance that they can do this. Not every day will be awful and not every day will be blissful, however, know that you must find your path while parenting from afar.

Closing Thoughts

Change is a constant in parenting. But as this year unfolds, so too will our relationships with our college students. Let's try and savor this journey together, knowing that in no time, winter break will be upon us, bringing another set of adventures.

Keep in mind that Fall Family Weekend is just around the corner and if you are able to visit, I am very much looking forward to seeing you in person again. I hope this message resonates with you and underscores the commitment we share to ensure their success.

Until we see each other again,

Mark Sikes, Ph.D.
Dean of Students
smsikes@vt.edu
540-231-6272